Remembering... still

Birds are singing. The sun is creeping through. It's another day, yesterday is behind us. Today seems to have different air, it's a little harder to breath. For a year, I've tried to place words on my feelings and they just haven't been there. I feel guilty just even trying to get words out. I just cry. It seems easier to not remember... will it hurt less? No, I want to remember... I want to hurt. When Jesus friend Lazarus died, Jesus wept. Not sure exactly why, I wonder with Jesus being human like we are did He have mixed emotions like I do? Even knowing the end, knowing how it all turns out... He wept. He felt deeply! I want to love like that!

A year ago today, things changed. I received a call that the Browns had been in an accident. I hadn't talked with them for a while and it didn't even matter at that time, I just got in my car and drove. I wasn't even sure where I was going. Along the way I was told Huntsville Hospital. When we arrived, we were told Little Micah had passed away. When I got this news, I was standing next to Big Micah and my heart was so overwhelmed I could not even say his name for a while. God, in your sovereignty you have given me this time with Big Micah. Who am I??? Trying to pull myself together and leaning on Big Micah's arm we went inside. Somehow it felt as though I entered a movie... from that point on it just didn't seem real. As they told Ryann about Little Micah I can't remember if they pulled me in or I was drawn in... I don't know. I just remember thinking “I shouldn't be here... I'm not who should be here”. It seems everyone was just “there”. Liz kept looking at me and saying “what just happened?” “what do we do?”. I couldn't answer her... we just cried. At some point I ended up in the room with Noelle, sweet Noelle. She wanted to hear Angel Armies. That became the theme song “whom shall I fear”. There was this part of me who wanted to just leave because “who am I to be here???” but then I was drawn to stay... like everyone else, I wanted to FIX it. I think we were escorted in the room as David and Ryann said bye to Little Micah. There was a sense of angels being there. Such pain and grief yet such unreal peace. Lots of tears, lots of hugs, lots of prayers.
“Nothing formed against me shall stand,
You hold the whole world in your hands.
I'm holding on to your promises.
You are faithful”
God. You can raise him, you can make him breathe, breathe life God. Please.
Somehow, in God's sovereignty, He didn't.
At the end of that day, Rebekah was in one room, Ryann and Noelle were in the room beside them. The next few weeks are a blur. We were at the hospital a lot, praying, crying, listening to doctors. I sat there and I think, tried to be strong... I don't know really. I remember talking to people but it seemed almost auto-pilot. I just kept thinking “how am I here? I'm not worthy to be here, they need someone who is capable”. I didn't sleep much, I don't remember being home really... I'm sure I was at some point. Every time I walked in Rebekah's room it was with great hope. Hope. It's what has sustained Ryann, it's what I hold on to.

A year has gone by. Just like that. We move on, the sun keeps coming up and life moves forward. Mixed emotions really hang over everything I do. Soaking up moments God gives me and yet praying/hurting/grieving for Ryann and the family. Not a day has gone by that I don't think of them. I can still hear Little Micah's sweet voice, he had the best voice. Memories flood in of his little boy actions. His coloring, his growl, didn't care for sand that much though. His 5th birthday, David brought him to work. It was customary for the little ones to visit my desk because I had a candy bowl. It wasn't me... just the candy :) Little Micah came in and pulled up a chair, he colored and told me all about his picture and about his day. He had this big fire helmet on, it was as big as he was. He was very proud to wear it. I sat and watched him, thinking of how fast time will go and that he would be grown like my boys one day. God had other plans.
God has shown me more and more to make the most of the days we are given. Make the best of the time He gives us with our loved ones. Enjoy the fun times to the fullest and grieve the hard times.

He gives.
He takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.