My spoon broke.
My wooden spoon.
It broke.
Things had been teetering for a while. Trying to balance life on a microscopic sized thread. It wasn't going well. After feeling like so much healing had taken place, God showed me that I still have raw open nasty wounds. Some healing has taken place but I'm still in the process of letting God apply that healing ointment. Sometimes, it stings.
Today has been like so many others lately. Wake up to coffee beside my bed brought to me by my love, try to pry my eyes open and figure out what day it is and then...
Nothing
I don't have a life. I haven't had "purpose" in quite some time and it's weighing heavy. It's been 2 years since we moved back from Florida and our life changed in so many ways it made my head spin. It's still spinning. Daily life chores seem to be my only "purpose" right now. I'm blessed to have daily chores so don't go thinking this is one big COMPLAINT. It's not. I've enjoyed the lunches, coffee dates and relationship building but...
My spoon broke.
With the break of THE spoon came a fountain of memories. This has been the "go-to" spoon for well... I've just always had it. Don't even remember where it came from. I grabbed it for something one time and noticed a big notch out of it. Walking in to the living room with it held up I asked the boys "what in the world?" Micah replied with something about a blender. Nate's typical reply to Micah was usually "why ya gotta be like this?" So I kept the spoon, it made me smile. Made me remember. Not sure at what point it earned the big scorch mark but again, it added character. I noticed lately, it seemed to be getting old "I feel ya spoon, I feel ya". Then today while stirring some washcloths that were soaking in bleach...
It broke.
All of it. Including the little tiny thread that I've been trying to balance life on, it broke.
It's done. My mommy life is done. I'm not ready for it to be done. They don't need me any more but I still need them. I'm still learning how to be a mom, how did 25 years go by and I'm still trying to figure it out?
Life is a series of changes, seasons. It's the "what now?" that gets me. So here I sit, waiting for direction. Trusting it will eventually come.
Meanwhile, I have to go buy another spoon.
1 comments:
This line..."Things had been teetering for a while. Trying to balance life on a microscopic sized thread."... such a great word analogy in life's stuff. I remember that empty nest/what's my purpose season. God told me, "make tour house a h8b and just be available." I think I wanted more tangible but that purpose has been solid. Praying the Spirit gives you today's purpose . Your friendship means so much. I'm going to need a videographer, just saying. 😉 Love you.
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